On Turning 55...
In a few weeks, I will hit what my husband calls 'double nickels,' an age I have suddenly realized is no longer my 'early 50's.' I always feel so asleep at the wheel re: things like this. I just do not know I am not 22 or 35 or even 45, for god's sake! 55! This cannot be true.
Even as I care for my elderly parents, and see evidence of everyone else I know moving up in age, it seems surreal. But, true it is.
I think one of the things that is confusing is that, no matter how old we all get, we still struggle with each other as if we were decades younger.
I complained to an old communal housemate of mine how the cooperative household we'd shared in the '70s had spoiled me for working with other households or community groups. We were so egalitarian and got so very many things right! It's been long comedown to deal with the ordinary world again. The co-op house I lived in and the co-op air I breathed in the '70s, when I was in my 20s were not without their struggles, too. But there was the sense that we were moving toward a common good; that the struggles were worth the effort because we were giving birth to a new world -- or at least new lives for ourselves.
Now, it seems that the struggles are redundant and draining of our life force. Do we really get anywhere at all?
I hardly recognize my life anymore. My original family has moved closer than they've been to me in decades. My child is a grown man. My stepchild is nearly grown. My husband's career has changed again. I've opened a new brick-and-mortar business, and I'm on the elder-care team for my parents.
I find myself wanting to do something very exotic for my 55th b'day. I want to see the aurora borealis in Alaska! I want to feel real winter and stand on the edge of the known universe and watch that waving curtain of greenish light overhead. I want to see if I'm one of the ones who can hear it! I want to see the arctic winter night. And feel the pioneering spirit of Alaska. I think that if I could do that, I could enter the next phase of my life in fine shape and ready for whatever lies ahead. Maybe I should give that to myself as a present.
In a few weeks, I will hit what my husband calls 'double nickels,' an age I have suddenly realized is no longer my 'early 50's.' I always feel so asleep at the wheel re: things like this. I just do not know I am not 22 or 35 or even 45, for god's sake! 55! This cannot be true.
Even as I care for my elderly parents, and see evidence of everyone else I know moving up in age, it seems surreal. But, true it is.
I think one of the things that is confusing is that, no matter how old we all get, we still struggle with each other as if we were decades younger.
I complained to an old communal housemate of mine how the cooperative household we'd shared in the '70s had spoiled me for working with other households or community groups. We were so egalitarian and got so very many things right! It's been long comedown to deal with the ordinary world again. The co-op house I lived in and the co-op air I breathed in the '70s, when I was in my 20s were not without their struggles, too. But there was the sense that we were moving toward a common good; that the struggles were worth the effort because we were giving birth to a new world -- or at least new lives for ourselves.
Now, it seems that the struggles are redundant and draining of our life force. Do we really get anywhere at all?
I hardly recognize my life anymore. My original family has moved closer than they've been to me in decades. My child is a grown man. My stepchild is nearly grown. My husband's career has changed again. I've opened a new brick-and-mortar business, and I'm on the elder-care team for my parents.
I find myself wanting to do something very exotic for my 55th b'day. I want to see the aurora borealis in Alaska! I want to feel real winter and stand on the edge of the known universe and watch that waving curtain of greenish light overhead. I want to see if I'm one of the ones who can hear it! I want to see the arctic winter night. And feel the pioneering spirit of Alaska. I think that if I could do that, I could enter the next phase of my life in fine shape and ready for whatever lies ahead. Maybe I should give that to myself as a present.
posted by Luna @ 9:57 PM
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